You see what I'm sayin?

In a lot of ways I view sight as a setback... you can't feel with sight... it's too cut and dry, this is just the way it is... what you see is what you get... I want a little more mystery

I wish I could spell out sounds, scents, and sensations

If you could have any supernatural power what would it be?
...Why?

my fault

Alright I'm listening. Maybe not acting fully, but I hear... But yea I often can preach it but don't listen to what I'm saying as something I should hear... My fault for jumping to conclusions. I really do mean to look out but come off hypocritical. ego, fear Louise would say...I wanna get better but I guess I punish myself for not following my own rules, she would also say... But for realz, I got my own shit. I actually listened to what I was saying and looked at something I was ignoring... I mean it's easier to just expect other people to be on their shit so you don't got to.

Cyclical beings

Everything's a cycle...

They say...
Same shit different day...
different month...
different year...
...Different person?

yes.
...but not really.

break the cycle,
but come right back

a cycle's a circle
what do you expect?
ain't no end but the beginning!

(and who knows where that is anyways?)

learn and expand
grow to a new level of you.
but still you.

every experience brings me closer to understanding
but I always have to go back before I go forward
do what I did before just to see I don't wanna do it no more

makes me think...
must be a spiral,
not your average, planar circle
but some real life, 3D shit!

because even though I feel myself doing what feels the same
its not the same
I have elevated off the paper, above the plane
but I still have to run by the checkpoint


check myself.
make sure I'm on point.
(get it?)

in a maze to the center of myself,
like a record spinning-
needle passes the same point each time around
but every time, a different sound

so I listen
best I know how
don't hear it the first time?
can't retreat
throw that shit on repeat

first you dont succeed
try,
try again...
try something new

One day I'll get "it"
well, maybe
I guess I can't really say
I don't even know what "it" is

but can say each time around I've grown
made some mistakes
got some things right

but always continue on forward
follow the twists and turns,
concaves and curves
hope they lead me where I need to be

yea... thats just some a how im feelin right now... nothing too coherent, just my thoughts

missed more days...So What!

So that last post I wrote last Thursday and never published it... I don't even know if I finished it to be honest... Whatever!

I missed more days of gratitude, but still not mad at me because I've continued to be grateful I just haven't written them here. So...

March 5-Being able to defy odds
As I talked about in the last one, my calendar told me that the 5th and 6th were supposed to be challenging days for me but they both actually turned out to be quite lovely! I appreciate that I didn't ruin them with any type of negativity!

March 6-Bernie
Went home for the weekend. Kind of snuck in, snuck out. I'm bringing these 3 girls home next week and I wouldn't have room for mad crap I needed to get out of my bedroom so I brought it this past weekend. My man Bernie ran like an angel-like the angel he is! I love my car, he has great energy!

March 7-The sun's shining rays
I think this is rather self-explanatory... The sun makes me feel good. Especially when it's not od-ing and it's giving you just enough of what you need! 70s is perfect for me... not that I've recently experienced that or anything, but I would love to... and I can't wait!! It's so happy when it's nice out!! ...I can't wait for the Loving Day celebration this year, by the by, that shit was like the epitomy of a beautiful summer day! (Free barbeque, beer, Ben and Jerrys!!, beautiful people, and bonding!)

March 8-Confusion
I've been confused. Confusing myself even. Making things more complicated than need be. I do that. I don't always tend to handle things directly because I'm really one to beat around the bush... But I am grateful to myself for looking out for myself and for trying to be aware of what I can learn/gain from my confusion.

March 9-Reunions
Bela and her little boy are here! A bunch of us are going to get together for dinner tonight... That makes me happy. Seeing my friends who left here makes me happy. Things are so different with their energies missing from this place! I so often wanna just be outta here and to be wherever the people I love are. I wanna be in Rochester, and NYC, and Atlanta, and other random sprinklings, all over, all at once... but I graciously settle for the visits and hi's and bye's I get in between times! And this week especially I look forward to reconnections on my journey home!

I missed another day.... and That's ok!

I am grateful for good conversation!

Yesterday (and today actually), according to my astrological calendar, was supposed to be one of my "challenging" days. I went to bed two nights ago at like 2am watching Don't Be a Menace. I had an 8:00 class and had told myself that I wanted to get to bed earlier to make sure I was on time for that class because I've been late for like the past month!

I stayed up for a while talking to RJ about random shit. Then I was AIMing for a little while. When I went to bed I was feeling good, I had a good feeling for the next day. I got up within like 2 or 3 snoozes, which is really good for me, it usually takes me like close to an hour to get out of bed!! I was on time for my 8:00. Then this girl who's in my 8:00 and my 9:25 came up to me like You ready for that quiz in Race and Racism? And I'm like Fuck!

I had skipped this class Monday when he gave us the quiz questions... but I was like you know what, I know this stuff, I got this! I went, I did pretty well. I should have been reading this book more because I was on like chapter 2 and we're now done with the book :/

I was listening to music, jammin hard, when I was taking it and got yelled at because he could hear it in the front of the room! boo hoo!

In my next class I had another quiz that I refused to study for because I was so gassed about having that Jews of Germany Test over with the day before (PS me and Day Day got an A on our presentation for that class!! Woot!)! I love my professor in that class, although his teaching style does not work for me in any way! I took the quiz cuz it counted as my attendance, but honestly I didn't know a damn thing on it! Like literally I looked at the paper, wrote my name on it... debated making some answers up outta thin air, then realized I had funner shit to do with my time and at least I could get out of class sooner!

I tried to bring the paper to the front of the room cuz he was in the back but then he made me hand it to him. I had to ONLYest walk of shame giving him that paper!! I could barely look him in the eyes. He was like, Ms. Coleman, you know we drop the lowest quiz grade? I just slinked out in shame...

So I ended up going to the SUB to table for First World with Dominique. Caitlin ended up coming, and Terrell, Steve, and it was a nice little party... Then Hasan came up and I talked to him for a while about mad random stuff. We ended up talking about astrology and Venus's retrograde and the a Saturn/Uranus opposition... That's an insightful brother, I fucks wit that guy!

Then RJ calls me at like 2pm (when he wakes up) and says its beautiful out and he's coming up to campus. He and I walked around for a while before my 4:30 (Jews) class. Mad cool, it was awesome outside, we walked over to the tripping fields. RJ took maaaaad pictures of me along the way. It was a little awkward cuz I would be telling him a story and he would start snapping and so then I'm talking to a camera lens...

So we walked around to the quad and saw my Center neighbors playing frisbee. Then I saw a ball and wanted to kick it. So me and Arj played with it. I got my Creative Recs od muddy and RJ was playing in some shiny ass dress shoes and they got mad dirty too!

Then I had to go to class which was probably the biggest challenge of the day. But that is when I found out I got that good A though!

After, Ruben and I had our show and RJ and Claudia came through! And they brought me a Mexicali bean burrito with garlic hot sauce! mmm mmmmm mmmmmmm!! It was great!

March of Gratitude

So I just found out what's good with this March of Gratitude thing. I saw someone write something like that on their Facebook status but I didn't know what it was about. Kim and Dominique just informed me that the deal is every day in March you write something that you are grateful for. I decided that since I missed the first few days I should go back and say a few things for them and do today while I'm at it....

1. So firstly I'd like to say that I'm so extremely grateful for the loving and supportive family that I have been blessed with. It was so wonderful to get a sampling of them last week for the Vagina Monologues cuz a bitch definitely has been needing the vibes...

2. On that note, I am also grateful for the amazing friends that I have in my life and the fact that although we are not always in the closest of contact, that love is always there! My dude Casey came down with Mom and Rachel last week, he fits in as friend and family, but I have a lot of those surrounding me and I am so appreciative of it!

3. I am grateful for the sky and its inhabitants (clouds, stars, moons...). I saw the moon mad bright in the sky today and it made me smile!

4. Okay and for today... I am grateful for the way my memory works. Sometimes it doesn't work for me. I can have an od short term memory sometimes, but I also remember some things vividly which I love. Today it helped me out because I have this weird ability to cram a lot of random information by associating things in a way that fits my brain's fancy.... So I was able to do pretty well on the Jews of Germany test that I had to take today and started studying for today.

Okay, that's that... so hopefully I'll remember to keep coming back each day... I think I got this! I ain't gon tell ya what to do, but give it a try... be grateful for life's goodness!

Peace...
Love you freaks!!

Cotton Pickin Right!

Yo so this happened like over a week ago but I thought I'd share cuz my memory of it was recently sparked...

But yea I was sitting in one of the class buildings in these booths they got set up to study at. I always pass by those booths when they're all taken by somebody and I think how silly it is that one person has this whole booth alone. I walk by and go look for my own booth. Why can't I just stop and sit at somebody else's booth?? But I digress, I was sitting there reading for a I had a lot to read for and all the booths were taken. I was like the only person out of like 4 or 5 with some pigmentation mind you. I sometimes wonder, if somebody was walking by would I look inviting to share a booth with?

So this cool lookin old guy walks up and he asks me if I mind him sitting there while he eats his cookie and drinks his coffee. I mean it was just what I was askin for so I was like for sho! So he sits down, I say hi and I'm like aright Jess keep it brief, you got reading put the headphones back on and get to work... But I have like zero concentration; I tried to read but I kept thinking, this guy seems mad cool, I wanna talk to him!

Yo I'm mad awkward. I don't know if you've noticed. I do my best to hide it but I'm not the best at it. So sometimes when I'm around someone and I don't know exactly what to say, obviously I need a second. But mad times I'm just like lookin up at the sky or even at you trying to think of the right thing to say and shit...

Damn so now you know that... so I played it off pretty welll and acted like I was reading then I was like (trying to be funny) "So uhh, you waitin for your class?" Mind you, this dude looks like maybe bout 70. He had a sweet stache, a really long white pony tail running through the opening in the back of his Marines hat. I didn't really think he was a student but if he wasn't then who was he and why was he on campus eating cookies and sitting with me?

So you know don't judge a book and everything, he actually was there for class, and I felt like a dick... But anyways, I start talking to the guy and he was cool as hell!

He was taking the introductory Women's Studies class with my minor adviser (she's cool people too). He pulled out that book and then went reaching for this one "The Great Cosmic Mother" talking about Goddess religion and the roots of humanity to femininity. Man he was droppin knowledge.

I told him I was reading for my Affirmative Action class and he was like Oh yea I was doing that from before the Civil Rights. I was working in the labor unions when they wouldn't permit people of color. It was very segregated, there were a lot of people who looked like me. He pointed at his hand like The color of power. I was like, go head Abe... Oh yea, his name was Abe! I don't wanna put his whole gov't out but if you knew it you'd be like "No Way, that's an awesome name!"

He also said how his wife is a feminist, his daughter just got in a civil union and she teaches... and how they keep him in check and make sure he don't be sayin that dumb shit, but nicely. He was givin me relationship advice, talkin bout how his wife doesn't say shit to make him feel stupid or feel like a dick. If he says some dumb shit she's just like, "Now why would you say that?" And he's like she's always right but she makes me think about it rather than make me feel bad for it. He was like don't get all in his face, what's that gonna do?

I told him how I don't have a man and he was sayin like take your time. Excuse me if I'm being frank but ya know if you meet a guy don't buddy up too soon. Get to know him well before the sex aspect. That's only part of it. And you need to know yourself as an individual before you can really know what you need from someone else.

Abe I really felt you on this one! Some people I've told about this meeting have told me it's weird that an old guy was talking to me about sex, but honestly my dude was on point with the advice! I gotta keep it real, this is my blog I'm allowed to do that! Time's are rough. It's getting harder and harder to just be willing to get in a relationship. Well let me be even more serious, I haven't really had one that has actually "worked" or I think "lasted" would be a better word, per se. I got like a 4-7 month average relationship span.

My thing is, if it seems like it's not what I need I don't see why keep playing games. I hate games. I hate rules. So back to times being rough, the rough part is that physical connection. Gotta have that shit you know! Some form or fashion. I appreciate many different forms, but I feel Abe, you don't want it to just be anybody for that deeper connection. Attraction for me is a lot more than how you look physically. I could see someone and find them completely attractive then realize they're about some dumb shit and find them hideous... on the flip side, I could (and this happens plenty) originally not be attracted to you at all then see that you're really about some shit and see you in a different light.

Here in New Paltz, and just in my life in general right now. I feel like there's a lot of those around who I can get down with on the surface level (you're lookin good, or I'm attracted to you in some way) but then when I go just a little bit deeper it's like damn that's what you're about??

I don't want you to be down for everything I'm down for but I want to be able to respect what you're down for. Learn from each other, feel each other out. Be comfortable.

It's easy to get caught up on the surface when you really haven't had much of the deeper level shit around. But that shit usually ends up blowing up on its own anyways because you knew from jump it wasn't what you really wanted. You just avioded seeing the things that were already there in the beginning because you were enjoying yourself...

Damn this is starting to sound personal... wait so what, this is my shit!

So yea, all and all I felt like meeting Abe at that time was what was supposed to happen and talking to him was what I was supposed to do. He reminded me, don't settle for some shit that ain't you. Whatever I'm looking for is there so I really don't need to be looking for it. Like my mom be sayin, I already have in me all the answers I'm looking for (something like that).

Wait that's going a little off topic. To wrap things up, I agree with Abe that I need to feel things out more. As much as I enjoy to be close to someone and you know get my feels in and shit, I like to really know a person. That shit's meaningful and shit. I would like to one day be with someone for longer than 7 months. I think I can do it. Na I can definitely do that shit, but I gotta think about what I really need. Don't rush shit, get that mental stimuli goin!

Oh yea, I was sparked about Abe because Eden had brought some of her kids from Brooklyn up to NP for a tour. I had some friends come and help when we were going I saw Abe in the lecture hall and I got mad excited. I just like to hear him talk and wait for the tangents he'll go off on. That's what old people do they just talk about whatever they think of at that moment (sorta like this right now). But that shit is mad ill. You can learn so much from a person, good and bad. Find otu some shit you never would have known they went through, never woulda thought they could tell you about.

I'm bout to try to bump into him when I can, try to get some knowledge on life while I still can.

Anyhoo, I really shouldn't be up now. I have class at 8, gotta get up at 7 something. I really should have breakfast cuz a girl be hungry and tomorrow's another busy one! We have the Community Roots first ever program Getting to Know Your Roots!! Should be ill! Vixon wanted the Fahari by then and I did too so I'm still not sure if I'm gonna take an hour out of my day and go pick them up... I'll decide, but we all know I get dumb excited every time a Fahari I wrote in comes out!! So it might happen... Also, me and Ruben's show is on at 6:00 tomorrow night. We again didn't prepare too too well but I feel better about this one, I got some good stuff lined up!

Listen Live at www.wfnp.org
We're on from 6-7!
I'm gonna go now, thank's for reading this long if you actually made it down here! I'll try to do this again some time. Maybe utilize this space of free expression I got goin on here!

I need to write in here!

So right now I'm supposed to be typing minutes from the First World meeting. But then I thought about how Ruben still hasn't thought up a "good enough" name for his therefore he hasn't started using his and I thought it was silly. But then I thought well I still haven't totally used mine. So I was like lemme write how I'm feeling right now and I can surely be way ahead of Ruben. Firtly, I didn't know exactly what I wanted to call mine but I went ahead and gave myself a tentative name. So I was already ahead the game anyways, but now I have a post in here too. And look how many sentences I've typed already!!

....Hey, you should check out the radio show, tentatively called The Message, Thursday at 6:00pm. Listen live at www.wfnp.org!

Also help me out with a blog name and better radio show name!

Thank you!